Today was my first rebif injection... and I couldnt even do it by myself... sigh... I just couldnt do it, just couldn't. I have been fighting and ignoring the fact that I have ms pretty much since I found out that I have it. It was like, taking medication was the final step to admitting I was sick and I didnt want to go there.

The nurse came over and explained my family and I how to use the needles and use the injector. No problems with that but when the time came to do the injection, I just couldn't do it. I was pretty much sitting there for 10 minutes, trying to just go for it, stick the needle in my thigh and get on with it. I'm not afraid of needles, I've got piercings and 2 big tattoos, but I couldnt put it in, and it was bothering me so much that I started shaking and eventually started crying. I was just trying to stick a little needle in my thigh but I couldnt, I just couldnt. I wasnt scared of the little bit of pain I was going to feel, I just couldn't overcome that last hurdle, the one that states that YES, YOU HAVE MS!!! In the end, I couldnt even go through with it, I had to get my husband to do it. It didnt hurt or anything but it was still such an emotional thing for me.

I'm still very unhappy about the whole thing. I know that ultimately, it's good for me but I dont care. I dont have any symptoms, I'm working out and staying in good shape, so why bother. It's cause it's not something that can be stopped with working out and being healthy, blah blah blah. If I didnt feel so pressured by my doctor and my parents, I probably wouldnt have taken the medication yet. But anyways, Im on it as a trial only. If I dont like what it's doing to me, I'm going to stop. My parents were good with that so now, only time will tell.

It's been about 3 hours since my shot. Didnt take anything before hand, wanted the full gammet of side effects. So far, nothing, just a little sleepy tho that could have been because of the barrage of emotions. Either way, I have MS and there's no getting around it anymore.

This morning I had my lumbar puncture. It was honestly not as bad as I thought it would be. They took some quite a bit of blood. Then the doctor came in with the nurse and another person who was to observe. They were talking about how I'm gonna feel a bit of a burn as the area is freezing but once they saw my back tattoo, they were confident that I wouldnt feel anything to worry about.

It started with him disinfecting the area 3 times, then giving me my first shot to freeze the skin. They then gave me a 2nd shot to freeze the muscle. I felt more pressure than burning. Then he went in with the long needle and I felt even more pressure, going right into my hips. But from what he was saying to the observant, he got it right away cause apparently I was dripping quite well. Not even 5 minutes later, he was bandaging me up and I was laying on my back for an hour, my feet elevated above my head.

I finally got to leave but with stricked instructions not to do any heavy lifting and to stay laying down as much as possible. There isnt really any pain, it feels more like soreness when my back is too curved, so it's kinda helping me practice on my posture. There is also the occasional headaches due to the difference in pressure on my brain. I just lay down for a bit, and then it goes away. I left with a prescription for some T2 but I only took 2 for the initial headache.

So yea, lumbar punctures arent nearly as bad as they seem to be. Wouldn't enjoy doing that again but it wouldnt bother me as much anymore.

So it's been quite a while since I last posted. Figured I'd update =)

Running has been coming along slowly. I'm gonna look into the 10km in 8 weeks plan. It's along the same lines as when I did the 5km in 8 weeks except that it's from 5 to 10km. I've also got me a new trainer at the gym. My old trainer, Jodi, simply didnt have any time for herself so she resigned. Im not upset with her at all, quite the opposite, I'm happy she left. That means she's happier. I still see her every now and then, and we're still going to be running together. But I'm now with my new trainer, Luke, and he's pretty cool too. Definately kicking my ass. His workouts feel much grittier and I guess you can say guy-ish. He's got me kicking and punching, which makes Justin jealous cause he wants to too.

I received all my wedding clothing yesterday from China. I was very excited. Everything is sooooo nice!!! My dress fits me perfectly!!! I might not even have to get it tailored in may before the ceremony either, since I shouldnt lose too much until then. I just need to check to see if my brides maids dresses fit perfectly and those are good to go. I do however need to exchange 2 shorts for smaller shirts tho. They're too big to be worth tailoring. But it's still worth it in the end.

Health wise, I'm doing pretty good. My hand barely bothers me anymore. Tho every now and then, mainly when I'm walking fast or running, my thighs get tingly, but only when those motions. Got my spinal tap coming up in 1.5 weeks. Not particularly excited about that... Depending on those results, I'll probably end up going on medication. I really dont want to, especially with me feeling perfectly fine. I know that just cause I dont have any symptoms doesnt mean Im not sick but I just dont believe in taking medication when I dont have too. I dont get a flu shot every year cause I'm not sick. If I get the flu, then I'll get it. I eat fairly well and excersize regularly. I think I'll be good to go for now.

I successfully ran my first 5km, non-stop, outside. I'm pretty damn proud of myself right now. Next goal: 10km by may.

I successfully ran my first 10 minutes. I'm quite happy about myself. I had a stitch in the last minute but I pushed through it. It's only going to get easier to run for the next few bits. My next hurdle next week is 14 minutes and then I believe it's a big push to 20 minutes.

What did I learn this morning??? I learnt that I can't run in the morning, with only 2 yogurtz in my tummy. I might try to get a run in tonight or I'll run everyday for the rest of the week. That 5km is not going to be easy at all.

My trainer Jody wants to put me on a training program that will make me be able to run 5km in 8 weeks. We're then going to run the 5km together, more than likely outside... It's gonna be really cold... Awesome... The most I've ever run was 3km in sec 5 and I was in better shape that time too. I hope I dont die from this and I'd better lose a TON of weight!!!

Man, Reboot makes soooo much more sense now and is significantly funnier!!!

With 4.5 hours of plenty o' fun, I've got me my 2nd tattoo at about 60% done. All the outline and shading is done, just need to add the colors. Again, this piece of art was done by Paul at New Moon tattoo in Ottawa, Ontario.

( Experience and pictures )

So after a double-booking incident yesterday that caused me to not know when I'm going to see a doctor/specialist (I was rebooked in march but at the top of the cancellation list), I was called this morning to come see dr. Freedman for my consultation.

It's not 100% but he's pretty positive that I have MS. Going through my MRI pictures, he also found a lesion in my brain which they had not originally found until he looked at them. Apparently that lesion explained the dizziness and lack of balance. Fun fun. He now wants me to get a lumbar puncture and a test where they stick electrodes all over my head. Also did some baseline blood tests today.

I've now been given 2 options: treatments or clinical trial. The clinical trial is really tempting, especially with the 0$ price tag. I get MRI's, blood tests, any other fancy test, without the wait times. The only thing that causes me to not go with that option is that I have to be there weekly, monday and thursday mornings, from 8 until they don't need me anymore, and no one knows when that could be. I'm going to have to talk to my boss about that 1 and see what she says. So with the clinical, I'm very closely followed and if anything seems to go wrong or I get a tone new lesions, they remove me and put me on an actual treatment. So really, right now, it's just the time that's causing me some slight issues. Anyone here on any clinical studies instead of actual treatments???

If I decide to go the treatment route, then they're giving me the choice of what to take. Really expensive, most definately didn't expect that high but almost doesn't surprise me tho. It'll be the first time I ever need to claim any medecine on my insurance.

So yea, got plenty of paperwork to read and within a month or 2, make a decision and life goes on. Even more fun fun!!!

I am not happy, not happy at all. I get to the hospital, early as they told me to register. The lady at the registation tells me that I'm not on the list but she partially registered me anyways and the other registration desk would take care of the problem. So I get to the ms clinic, go to check in, Im not on the list. Wtf??? I show them my papers, they see that it's for September 24th at 2pm. They call the registration desk. Turns out that they double booked that time slot. THEY FREAKIN' DOUBLE BOOKED THAT TIME SLOT!!! AND, yes, there's an AND, I was the 2nd to book that time slot so I didnt get priority. Therefore, the appointment that I've been waiting months for, never happened. LIKE REALLY??!?!?!

FUCK!!!!!!

When is the next availability then? MARCH??? Oh oh but you're putting me on the top of the cancellation list only because I'm young. So now I'm stuck being on call, waiting for any opening that they might have to go. GAAAAHHHH!!! God dammit!!! I was anxious all day too, left work early, had to take a personal day FOR NOTHING!!!!! I'm really not happy and even less impressed with that hospital and how it all happened in the first place.

Last weekend, my folks told us that they were going to Montreal but wouldnt tell us why. After they came back, I asked if they would tell me and they said that they would this weekend. So all these thoughts were going through my mind: are they getting divorced (very doubtful and why go to mtl?), is my dad sick again, are they getting justin and I a gift for our wedding, etc etc. So while we're sampling some wedding cake back at my place, I asked again. Turns out they went to an MS Convention that was being held in Mtl. You couldn't just tell me that from the beginning??? They wanted to go and get some live education instead of just looking on the internet. I wouldn't have been able to go either because of the federal elections anyways at work.

So in 2.5 days, I will be meeting with Dr. Freedman, apparently THE doctor to see if you have/might have MS. I'll either be getting an actual diagnosis or he's gonna tell me that I'm gonna need a spinal tap and more tests done. We shall see, we shall see.

This is the first time since Justin and I started living together, that we have not spent the night together.

I feel extremely lonely

Uggg, shit hit the fan at 3:30 today. We found out that 1 of the call centres needed to stay open this weekend at 3:30 due to the baby food recall. And I had to finish my current task, which needed to be today, and be out of there no later than 4:45 cause I had a gym appointment. So I was rush rush rush rush. It really sucked. But other than that, the day was pretty decent.

I'm SORE!!! And tired. I'm starting to find it harder to wake up in the morning. Sucky sucky. But yea, feeling good despite the soreness. Means I'm doing something right.

Been pretty busy lately, especially with work. In almost 2 weeks, we've hired over 70 ppl for the elections call centre. So it's been pretty crazy around work. I'm actually the least involved with the whole hiring process so I've been picking up some of the slack from the other ubber busy coworker. Makes for short days, time just flies.

Had a pretty tough workout today. I've been trying to go regularly, working out with my trainer and other days just using the eliptical machine. My trainer, Jodie, she's freakin' awesome!!! I definately plan on extending my package once it expires. Anyways, today she had me do an indurance session. So instead of doing 12 reps of whatever, I did as many as I could in 1 minute. It was BRUTAL!!! Only though cause I pushed myself, as I try to do every session with her. She actually said that she was proud of me and wishes that a lot of her other clients put as much enthusiam into their workouts. GO ME!!! I'm going to be sooooo sore tho, full body soreness. But I'm still gonna try to go to the gym on those sore days.

I've got my next tattoo appointment set up. I'm going the day before justin goes for his 3rd session. I'm soooo excited!!! Ever since we can remember, there has been a picture of a beautiful dying tree trunk on his wall. He originally drew the picture for someone but that person never came back, so I figured I might as well go for it. But amongst the trunk, I'm also going to get a single carnation in full bloom and thriving, to symbolize the fact that despite my body potentially shutting itself down, my spirit wont. It's going to go on my left leg. I can barely wait!!! And for a tip, I'm gonna bring them all cookies =D

... my folks are going to hate that I'm getting more ink done BUT I DONT CARE!!! WEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Justin went for his 2nd tattoo session when he calls me to tell me that our artist, Paul, liked my tattoo so much that he decided to submit it to a tattoo magazine, Tattoo Life. I'm sooooo excited, that's totally awesome!!! It's an honor to have such a beautiful peace of art that he's also very proud of.

Work has been good lately. We're quite busy now because Elections are coming up and we need to staff over 200 people yesterday so busy busy busy.

I've gone to the gym every day except for wednesday this week. Feel pretty good actually. Did 30 mins on the eliptical at a decent pace for a unfit person. Actually sweat a bit, I barely ever sweat, EVER! Tomorrow I've got 1 hour with my trainer, really hoping she can whip me into shape, especially for my wedding.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. The tingling/numbness is slowly spreading up to my thighs but it doesn't last too long, as far as I can tell anyways. But other than that, feeling quite good. Less than 1 month before THE appointment. Not really nervous anymore. I think I've completly accepted it. I would be in bigger shock if I didnt have it.

Well, that's it for now. Over and out!

So I'm in the rideau centre picking up my pants from the tailors when I notice a very tall man who looks awfully familiar. It took me a few half seconds of staring at him when I realized that it was Brian Bailey, THE Brian Bailey from Project Runway Canada!!! I sooooo would have asked for an autograph had I remembered his name... But OMG!!! I just popped my fashion designer cherry!!! And I can't stop giggling like a school girl. The guy is soooo tall, easily over the 6' mark. EEEEEEEEE!!!!

I had a pretty decent day today, went by fast as per usual. We have a newbie to replace the summer student who is leaving soon to go back to school. He's quite nice, looks like Justin Long, but doesn't have the same sense of humour as I do. Just means I have to convert him, hehehe.

I think I've decided what my next tattoo is going to be. I've always wanted white ink done but it's not recommended because it could turn yellow with time so a good alternate is a very lite blue. I've decided that I'm going to get some scripts done in very light blue on 1 of my calves. I'm not 100% on what I written but I want it along the lines of "It doesn't live my life, I live it". I will only be getting this if I am diagnosed with MS. I was thinking of adding a few blue-ish flowers too. I miss the needles.

I joined Good-life fitness today. I figured I'd give it a try considering I've never joined a gym before. It's right on my home after work so really convinient, I get a personal trainer and if I dont get results, I get all my money back. I think that's pretty cool. I've got 12 sessions and hopefully I'll enjoy it.